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Sunday, January 20, 2008

How to survive the horror of a monsterous city wide panic attack

... or what to do if you're caught in the Cloverfield? how should you prepare for such an event?

you see i went to see Cloverfield again. i first saw it on Tues 1-15-08 for the screening premiere. i thought it was so good/great (my first look review) that i decided to see it again as a paying customer (plus i wanted to see the Star Trek teaser; did i just admit that?).

really? crazy. seriously? really.

yeah i know. so, this is my second 10 point review of Cloverfield. now laced with more signature giddy sarcasm.
  1. first rule, you can't be prepared so just keep your eyes open, your wits about you and an open mind. oh and a charged cell phone battery doesn't hurt.
  2. your cell phone probably will stop working. so if you have the means, invest in a Satellite phone.
  3. or scour the block for an open wifi connection, maybe you'll get lucky and ... nah, forget this. your iphone is a shiny brick at this point. on the plus side, the bright screen can double as a flashlight if you dare to enter that dark tunnel/cave/sewer/stairwell/enclosed place. but if the creepy crawlies come (and they will) it then is transformed back into a shiny bright decoy. toss it and run the other way.
  4. water is essential. h2o is worth more than gold. unless you're already bitten.
  5. running. huff and puff much? dude, you need to be in shape. not for your future health. not for the kids. for your immediate health, kid. you don't want to kick the bucket just because you can't keep up. step it up.
  6. oh and smoking? see number 5. use only if it's imminently and/or immediately curtains time. if it's obvious that all hope is lost and your grisly and/or heroic death is staring you smack in the face, light 'em up and smoke 'em if you got 'em.
  7. dude, your brother just died because you had to take a cell phone call from your fickle estranged friend w/ benefits. don't go after the love of your dreams. seriously, dude. you're nuts. she's so monster-chow right now. dude. 5 minutes ago she was so 5 minutes ago. you're too good for her. she's crazy. dude? ahhh who am i kidding. go get her. you only live once. it's not survival horror without the personal tragedy and perseverance angle to make it worth something. because love conquers all. crazy kids.
  8. never ever get in a helicopter and think you've made it. just don't do it. you've only succeeded in making a reservation to a future crash site. seriously, you've have been better off stealing/borrowing a car, truck, motorcycle or moped even.
  9. keep up with those tai chi or taekwondo or tae bo workouts. the creepy crawlies are coming quick like rabid butterflies and their bite will sting the beejeezus out of ya. you'll need to be quick on your feet.
  10. are you a glass half empty or glass half full kind of guy/gal? doesn't matter. rapid random events are conspiring against you. observe the surroundings. the rats and birds know which direction to flee. just keep moving. run away. no no no, not into that dark tunnel/cave/sewer/stairwell/enclosed place. half of your group isn't coming out of there. dude. seriously.


Caution

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