i'm fluent in javascript as well as klingon.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

X-Men 3: The Last Rant?

X-Men 3 is not true to the classic X-Men story. you see i am a purist. i've been reading The Uncanny X-Men since like. i dunno, like '85 i think. and i read all the reprint "Classic X-men" stories from the 70's and eighties. i have the issue where the X-Men were reborn, as the modern team that ran through the nineties. When Storm had a Mohawk. When Logan wore the brown and orange suit. I read the Dark Phoenix Saga. I read the Days of Futures Past. I read the Proteus story. I read the Fall of the Mutants. When Callisto was a bad-ass punk rock chick who lead the Morlocks. I read the story with Dazzler and Juggernaut. I read the story of Betsy Braddock before she was an asian assassin psuedo ninja; when she was British. I read the good stuff...

X-Men 3 is not good. Don't get me wrong. It is truly awesome to see the Uncanny Crew live and in the flesh exercising their mutant genes on screen. The fanboy in me says: "HELLS YEAH! X-MEN!" i see the Marvel Comics flip-book intro and i get GIDDY. but the stories are told wrong. You can see the intentions were there. But they tweak it and something is lost. The little things matter. X-Men is good because of the characters and the drama; the relationships and the message. The film(s) dilute the message and change the characters. The X-Men are about fighting for equal rights, civil liberties, racial equality, united humanity; and the failures and missteps along the way to realizing a better dream. The movie(s) distort this and glamourize it. They take the meaning of the stories and the relationships of these characters that so many people love and make it generic and PC and non-sensical and trite and i don't know. it's like the blueprints are there, but FOX is too scared to tell the real stories and represent the real characters. there is a reason that X-Men has been around since the '60s. there is a reason the story/characters resonate today. you can pick up the book from 1982 and it is better than 90% of the drek on the shelves today.
i'll tell you what. save yourself $8 + $8 for snacks. go to your local comic shop. pick up the latest issue. go to B&N and pick up the graphic novels of the classics; Dark Phoenix, Days of Future Past, etc. i haven't read an issue in over 3 years. this makes me go back and relive all those good stories. you can't buy a DVD to match the experience.

why did they screw it up?
why indeed.


EXCELSIOR!





OK. now, that we have that out of the way, here is the real deal. WARNING: SPOILERS. this is the silly crap that is wrong with X-Men 3:


  1. Jean Grey (Dark Phoenix) kills/eviscerates Scott Summers (Cyclops) in the first 10 minutes. oh but his ruby quartz oakleys? they are left behind. lame. unforgivable.
  2. Jean Grey (Dark Phoenix) kills/eviscerates Professor Charles Xavier in the first 40 min. OMG WTF?
  3. Callisto is a nameless black punk tattoo girl who inexplicably has it in for Storm. I know, this is slightly true to form, but it is tangently and lamely developed. what? the 2 african-american girls have to fight? so stupid.
  4. The bottled mutant cure extracted into plastic dart form is a lame story device. It is the worst way i can think of to drive exposition of race and intolerance.
  5. Juggernaut is the slightly ruder version of X-Men 1's Sabertooth AKA tough guy evil pawn type foil. A complete mockery of the original bad ass character.
  6. Kitty Pryde (Shadowcat) develops a love triangle with Bobby Drake (Iceman)
    and Rogue. What? I guess we needed some teenage angst and they wouldn't give any lines to...
  7. Colossus is a voiceless lineless tough guy good pawn type foil. Completely under used and under developed.
  8. Iceman turns into ICEMAN. Very cool. Now we just need him to slide away on an ice slide.
  9. Magneto moves the Golden Gate bridge to allow his "Brotherhood of Mutants" to assault Alcatraz. WHY? This is a silly CG FX masturbation scene that is pointless and poorly executed. He has DARK PHOENIX people.
  10. Why does Magneto have Dark Phoenix? Why does she care about him or his cause? Why doesn't she do anything except turn people into sand? Why doesn't she do anything in the movie?
  11. Dark Phoenix' power is God-like omnipotence with limitless telekinetic and telepathic abilities. Apparently, the best CG FX they could come up with for this was making it look like she could turn people into CG sand. Yes that's right. Sand. Phoenix is supposed to be ablaze in fire and such. This was even more of a let down than the whole Golden Gate Bridge sequence.
  12. Wolverine is spot on. Hugh Jackman is Logan. The only thing that sucks for me is the whole Logan-Jean love story. Hello, Scott and Jean are soulmates. And the fact that Wolverine seems to suffer from Batman-itis. He gets his butt handed to him in every fight but he still slumped through and wins in some "go for broke" critical strike. I mean it's like that in every single fight. Logan gets smacked around for 5 minutes, then he embeds his claws in bad guy's chest - game-set-match. I mean, that's even how the Dark Phoenix finale plays out. Except he crys. Give me a break. Wolverine would not flinch. Please. Although I hope they do a Wolverine movie. I hope he goes to Madripoor and Japan and falls in love with his soulmate (not Jean BTW) and gets heart-broken and fight a crap-ton of cool @$$ ninja. It could so rock. He's the best he is at what he does, Bub. Don't you forget it.
  13. Storm is not spot on. Her power are cool. Halle Berry is not Ororo Munroe. They tried harder this time. She tried to step up and be the Leader. But it was hollow. Monologue anyone? Was this what Catwoman was like?
  14. Rogue take the cure voluntarily? WHAT EVS CUZ. Let's see Rogue merged with Ms. Marvel. Flight. Nigh Invulnerability. Super strength. Control of her power to borrow minds and powers. How 'bout that Suga?
  15. Props for Beast. Hank McCoy was good. I was surprised. The whole government post/homeland security stuff is a bit too contrived though.
  16. to be continued... i have to go bake some cookies foo!
  17. okay and we're back... Arclight? underused. cool powers for sure.
  18. Psylocke?!? OMG WTF?! possibly one of the coolest darker X-Men after Wolverine in straight up mythos, and she's a purple haired asian pop girl who has "cloak" powers and 15 seconds of screentime plus one line? and she's part of the Brotherhood? i can't even talk about this.
  19. Pyro, i don't know. they sort of dumb it down with the whole fire vs. ice thing. i mean, he's just an annoying jester in the comic, so i guess they got it right?
  20. I don't know, i can't go on with this anymore. i have said my peace.

1 comment:

The Pirate of Selby Avenue said...

About the Wolverine Movie, it sounds as if it will indeed be a "prequel" where Logan travels the Far East and we get to learn some more about his origins. Check out www.wolverinemovie.net for updated news and gossip about that movie.