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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Harry can't stand the Last Stand either (see i told you we'd agree)

Imagine… the powers that be had just made DR. NO and FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE… but a powerful executive for some arbitrary insanely stupid reason decides to rush GOLDFINGER… but at the same time, being so short sighted that this same executive decides that he’s tired of paying Sean Connery and wants to do a big blowout film… so he combines into GOLDFINGER… THUNDERBALL, YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE and ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE and for good measure a dash or two of MOONRAKER. I mean, why not… this is gonna be the last one. Then, before a script is in place he announced the release date, one approximately a half year to a full year ahead of what would best serve the film. He decides to kill off M, Q, BLOFELD and render Bond impotent – since he won’t be in anything else, it’s best that he lose the ability to procreate.

To reflect the giganticness of this monstrosity, they retitle GOLDFINGER… GOLDMOONBALL’S TWICE LIVED SECRET SERVICE. Because good news is delivered in short bursts – this third film will be 40 minutes shorter than the last one, because they have so many kick ass characters and action set pieces that rather than exhaust any single one of them, they’d just touch upon these bits, change day for night at a moments notice to hide the seams of the threadbare action… cuz rather than fully produce any of it… they’ll do a couple of high water marks and then let the waters recede under the cover of darkness as to not reveal that it’s mostly cardboard cutouts and extras from the SPARTACUS sets in wristwatches and togas.

The film you’d get would be… sort of like what has happened with X-MEN: THE LAST STAND.

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