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Sunday, April 23, 2006

7 Ways to Use the Lessons of '24' at Work

Comedian Aziz Ansari on how to get ahead following the rules of CTU.


1. If your boss catches you shooting heroin in your office, just say its part of your cover. If he says, "What cover?" Yell "Federal Agent!" and tackle the crap out of him.

2. If you are sleeping with a beautiful European woman, be careful - she is probably a terrorist/assassin that is using you to get information to kill her next target. Continue sleeping with her, you may be able to uncover valuable information that could stop the assassination from happening!

3. Sometimes you have to kidnap your co-workers kids to get stuff done -

Lazy Co-worker: "Look Aziz, I can't get the report done by Tuesday."

Me: "Oh really? Well my men* are holding your children."

Lazy Co-Worker: "OKAY! I'll have it on your desk first thing!!"

*This reminds me, you should probably hire "some men," they are quite a useful asset. You can find great ones on Craigslist for an affordable rate.

4. If you get arrested, no matter how large or small the crime, just pretend like you have some valuable information and agree to give it up only under the condition you are given full immunity signed by the President. Don't worry they'll get him on the phone.

5. Don't be afraid to go rogue - if you think your bosses orders don't make any sense, ignore them and obey your own. In the end, your actions will be proven correct and you'll be praised for having the balls to break protocol. And not only that, at some point you'll get to steal a co-workers car!

6. If your bosses orders REALLY seem ridiculous, then chances are he's working for the enemy and your workplace has been compromised. This is when you want to inform everyone in the office that you are carrying a loaded gun. You may also want to bring "your men" into the situation at this point.

7. Is there a secure room in your office that you want to access, but can't? Find someone who does have access and cut off their thumb. (Note: Only use this tactic when the room in question is locked by a thumb scan. Actually do it anyway, its good to practice.)

Aziz Ansari is a comedian based in New York City. He recently won the Jury Award for Best Standup at HBO's US Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen.

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