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Thursday, January 19, 2006

Underworld: Evolution

the review:

the visuals are stunning. there is plenty of dark atmosphere and gore and action. selene is a sight to behold. but the story is just simple and sorta pointless. you're not sure who to care for. so you root for selene since she's the only one that seems to be worth following, since she'll definitely be in the sequel and her latex/corset suit has you drooling all over yourself. but the whole hybrid, brothers, family, slave, prison, bloodline, deceit, tragedy, duplicity, secrets storyline is just a little too fractured. the pieces are there. the elements are interesting. the environments are lush. the production value is high. but when you put it all together, it doesn't make for a wholy satisfying experience. i wanted to like this film, i just didn't. it had everything going for it, it's just not a classic. it's a fundamentally different story than the first but still seeks to tie up some loose ends. i also suggest you go rent the first one before seeing this and perhaps just see Night Watch or Day Watch (if you can find it).

the list:
  1. vampires can be seen on video cameras? werewolves-vampire hybrids can be seen in mirrors?
  2. the immortal who sired the first vampire and first lycan lives on an oceanliner and his lair/office/boudoir has a skylight and windows??
  3. vampire irises are like mood rings. really cool mood rings.
  4. the new blue hybrid stumbles and staggers away from AK blazin' local oakle eastern-euro barney fifes, but instinctively knows hulk-strength kung-fu powers when battling the ultimate "first" uber-winged vampire?
  5. black paint + gasoline fumes + 3rd degree burns + dank cargo containers + imminent death from a freak winged super vamp = bootycall time!
  6. guns don't kill people, vampires with guns kill lycans & other vamps. but definitely not people... people are food.
  7. okay, nice fatality complete with white phoenix eyes. but that helicopter was your ride off the desolate lake and cliff surrounded secret crypt castle in the middle of euro-backwoods-nowhere. hello sequel - Underworld: Roadtrip!
  8. if your girlfriend drinks your great great great x infinity father's blood and you drink your girlfriend's blood, doesn't that make you blood relations? does that make things weird? food for thought.
  9. killing main characters from the first film, even lame sniveling/smug pretty-boy villians, in the first 3 minutes is slightly annoying. especially when you're trying to construe seamless continuity from the first film to the second.
  10. but damn, this is all ok when selene struts in like she owns the joint with black latex and neon blue ice intensity.
how's that, copper?


Anonymous said...

You forgot one: Vampires can have intercourse?!? Fortunately, for all the vidcap hounds out there putting together their frame-by-frame celebrity sleuth collages, the answer is a resounding YES. My eyes are glowing sorta pinkish blue right now... what does that mean again? (fumbling for my chart...) Oh, its just gas, 'scuse me --Copper

Odessa Keefe said...

Here is another one:

The new blue Ex- Felicity hybrid MUST and I emphasize MUST take his shirt off before a fight. I don't know if its the gentleman in him or the fact that he doesn't want to ruin his clothes.....